“Over the past week and a half, I had the opportunity to do an internship at Blank Noise. During this time, I listened to many testimonials from High School Action Sheroes across different schools in Bangalore. Each of these testimonials was unique and made me feel many emotions while listening to it; as well as listening, I also made links as I reflected (and continue to reflect) on my personal experiences. While each testimonial was different, there were some similarities in the emotions and feelings I experienced listening to the High School Action Sheroes. Below are the emotions that stuck with me throughout my time interning at Blank Noise:

Anger: I feel angry because sexual harassment has normalised to the point where young girls and women have experienced some form of sexual harassment. Many young girls are sexualised for simple things such as their bra strap, yet they may be confused and wonder why someone is staring at their bra strap. Frustration: I feel frustrated because too many girls and women have experienced sexual harassment. It is something we are used to and doesn’t affect us anymore. 

Sad: I feel sad because it seems to be a universal experience for girls and women worldwide. It may not be all men, but there are way too many girls and women who have experienced sexual harassment/violence. 

Disappointment: I feel disappointed knowing that we live in a society where sexual harassment is becoming normalised, and we are teaching our girls not to wear certain clothing, to not go out past a specific time and to behave in a ‘modest and respectful way, yet we need to teach boys not to harass girls, and not the other way round. 

Confident: I feel confident because listening to one Action Shero’s personal experience has made me feel more comfortable/confident in my skin, knowing that I can share my own experiences and hopefully inspire other girls to come forward. 

Empowered: With confidence, I feel empowered because I will not let others strip me of my experience with harassment or invalidate how I feel, which makes me feel more empowered. 

Hope: I feel hopeful that listening to one Action Shero’s experience may influence/inspire other Action Shero’s to step forward and shine a light on their experiences, which is one way that we as a society can progress towards a change!

Open-minded: I feel open-minded because listening to one Action Shero’s experience may be different to mine and that harassment can come in all forms, whether physical or emotional. This means you cannot invalidate someone’s experience just because it may not fight your perception of what is deemed to be ‘harassment’. By being open-minded, I respect everyone’s experience and the fact that they were able to share what they had gone through. 

Aware: I feel aware of my surroundings because harassment happens worldwide, and it may not always be evident where I live, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. I also feel aware of other experiences as I respect what they had gone through and that harassment can also be physical, emotional or mental. Finally, I am aware of myself; the person I am today is more confident and can express my thoughts, opinions and experiences. ”

“Memory is a funny thing. I sometimes worry that what I recall from the past is tainted with experience, perspective, and sometimes even context. The nature of my traumatic memories in particular affect my recollection, since they cause significant emotional arousal. I find that triggers play a role in communicating a sense of familiar discomfort, but I am starting to accept the fact that a complete recollection of a traumatic incident is complex, and sometimes long-term. When these triggers, symptoms, and other memories associated with trauma recur and cause significant distress and/or disrupt my functioning, I find it helpful to reconnect with myself and seek support to obtain a sense of closure- although I don’t always control what happens to me, I always have control over how I interpret what happens to me.
”

“When I had my encounter with sexual harassment for the first time, I was 7.
I remember feeling so confused, scared and dirty. I wanted to runaway and kept wishing it never happened. I wanted to forget the whole thing and just put a block on that day and that memory.
Remembering it still makes me feel angry, i feel unfair. Because the perpetrator has led a normal life without any disturbances related to that incident. But I’ve had to deal with step by step and that’s unfair.
Everybody said boys at that age are like this. How can you justify something so horrible? This triggers me and the society has to start holding the men/anybody who’s abused accountable and not just let these things slip away.
I runaway from the memory and try never to think about it. I only remember it to keep in mind that I’ve to be careful and safe because they’re a million people out there who could do really horrible things.
So the memory makes me more careful, observant , not as trusting.(all of this to protect myself)
I want to heal from it but never forget it. Because i don’t want to be ignorant or oversee something like this.
”

“
What memory of these instances does to me is bring back fear. Fear of darkness. Now when I talk about it, there is no emotion left. It’s like the fear has gone into thin air. But then, everytime I listen to another woman talk about her experience, I go through the exact same thing i did that night, after which I just tend to question myself and blame myself for what happened to me.
”

“A traumatic memory is like a scar on your body that with time the pain may fade away but the scar lives on forever. When I recall my memory there is a flood of emotions running inside you. This memory when recalled makes me scared and outraged and weak. When I hear someone’s memory a part of my memory connects to it. Sharing out my experience in an open room made me get the burden and pain out of my heart. Sometimes when I recall my memory it makes me question whether the trauma of sexual abuse “Did I Ask For It?”. I Never Ask For that feeling of insecurity. I Never Ask For Fear. I Never Ask For Humiliation. I Never Ask For Rape. I Never Ask For the memory that lies as a scar on me which I had to carry for forever.
”

“When I listen to the experiences and testimonials I feel a lot of things. I have felt dread at the idea of listening to someone’s testimonial and even second hand fear. But on the other hand, I have also felt a little bit of comfort knowing that these people chose to speak out and not take it silently. Even when the testimonial is anonymous, it gives me a sense of reassurance that someone decided to share what happened to them. Listening offers me perspective. It reminds me why I am doing what I do in the first place. Not only does it reinforces the idea that people are not data in me, but it reminds me why narratives of people are important. ”

“When I listened to my first testimonial, I felt like I was right beside the Action Shero and then my own experience flashed before me; and somehow the details became more vivid, of the surroundings.

I was really emotionally moved and simultaneously triggered by the testimonial. I felt that the Action Shero was so brave and that such experiences leave such an indelible imprint on our memories, because she described it in such minute details which is both empowering and uncomfortable. It also made me angry at the way systems are, that allow for such incidents to occur.

Listening offers me a powerful tool to examine and reflect not only on others’ experiences but also my own, to learn from what comes up and then course correct (or in other words, manage it).

It also bolstered my own determination to continue working for Blank Noise, because the work is too important.

When I remember my own experience, although the emotional and physiological reaction is definitely bad, yet I am able to with a support system become aware of some beliefs that I still carry of blaming myself or being able to do more. It also (this may sound odd) but see myself with even more compassion, tenderness and love.

Thank you for holding space and for this powerful experience.
”

“When I scrolled through the Blank Noise website and found the podcast, my first reaction was to find episode 1 and listen to it right then. But a few minutes into the podcast, during the second story, I paused the podcast and sat still. There was a combination of anger, fear, and feeling of familiarity I couldn’t listen anymore.. But I knew I would come back and listen to it fully someday. I would listen to it because they needed to be heard. Stories need to heard and experiences need to be heard. Though I say this, I still find it difficult sometimes to listen to someone and not be immediately reminded of my own experiences.

I listened to the second story in episode 1 and I remembered how his hands felt, grazing up my left leg. His hand was big, big enough to cover the entire calf of a 7 year old. I find it more difficult to talk than I do to listen, because when I listen I feel like I am not alone. I feel like I have an army of people who are willing to listen to me just like I want to listen to others. Which is why I think I went back and listened to the podcast again after a while.

Listening for me makes me want to open up a little more. I also feel that listening builds a community. A non-judgmental, supportive community. A community which grows stronger every time someone stops and listens to another person talk about their experiences.

The act of listening in itself is powerful, nothing more needs to be done if you are willing to hear someone out when they are ready to share. Listening for me enables me to remember. Sometimes this process of recall is difficult, more often than not I find myself triggered, but listening does enable me to remember. But this is not a bad thing for me. When I remember, I am taking away the parts that I hide from. It opens me up to parts of myself that I do not want to hide or be ashamed of. Even though I do remember, I mostly do not like to share what I remember. It’s very rare that I share what I feel, but listening is taking me one step closer to knowing that I can talk and I have people who will listen to me.

But memories when I listen are also confusing. Sometimes listening triggers tainted memories and sometimes listening makes me feel comfort.

I have always been taught that listening is more important than being heard, because you will always have another chance to voice out your thoughts but you might only be able to listen to someone once. This being said, I also feel that listening doesn’t come easily to many. It’s not about listening to someone and giving advice, or listening to someone and activating the savior complex in you. It is listening to someone and making them feel like they are heard, and acknowledge what they feel.

The act of listening helps all everyone involved in the process. As a listener, I feel a sense of solidarity and a I, myself, feel heard.

”

“The first and most important thing that stood out to me while listening to the podcasts was the diversity. All women, women from everywhere have their own stories. In episode 2 one of the responses is “I think it happens to everybody”, and that just echoed what I was initially feeling – Everybody has a story to share.

I had initially thought that understanding this fact would only hurt me, or make me very angry but surprisingly that is not what I felt at the end of all the voices and stories. I felt comforted. I felt a sense of not being alone in feeling like this. I felt a little bit reassured that that there are so many people out there who have been through what I have been through. And I know how cheesy this sounds, but I felt empowered. I felt a surge of possibility because so many of the voices had reached a space where they had not only accepted the trauma, but they weren’t bitter anymore. There were stories of people who stood up for themselves and those that didn’t, but in the end, I got a sense of ‘Coming out stronger’ from almost every story that gave me hope.

Listening offered me this possibility of someday being able to talk about my experience, with just as much power and acceptance that the voices of Listen speak with. It provided me with a sense of comfort and acceptance.

I want to point out again that the initial thought of listening to stories that may trigger something in me was very very scary and I expected a very different outcome. Multiple women spoke about abuse as children, and at such a young age wanting to hide what had happened to them and that just made me realise that as a child I myself knew, I knew immediately that I wanted to hide what had happened to me. And that just makes me question how a child that doesn’t know anything in this world knows that she wants to hide sexual abuse. One of the questions you asked was ‘What happens when you remember?’ and all I can say is when I remember, I only think about how my experience is going to affect every single relationship and aspect for the rest of my life.

While listening to the voices, I somehow felt heard.

What I liked most about the trigger warning provided on the website was the fact that it was presented as ‘How to Listen’ instead of ‘Listen at your own risk’. When you put a straight up ‘TW’ on content it somehow makes me feel like it’s something that doesn’t deserve talking about, and I know that it is not the intention of a trigger warning, and understand so well why a trigger warning is necessary but the fact that it was placed as advice on how to Listen made me want to listen to the podcasts.

I have spoken to people, and I have listened to people when they are ready to talk and I cannot explain the feeling of being Heard, believed, and comforted.
”

“On transcribing and listening to testimonials, I feel a sense of connection with the speaker, as if I’m their friend. I feel trusted, and get a push to contribute as much as I can to the Blank Noise’s Missions.

I am also beginning to notice that I am subconsciously reflecting on every word that is spoken in each audio. I’m beginning to notice and reflect on arguments that I often have with myself - it’s as if I’m being pushed to complete a thought as opposed to leave it be because of the unease that I feel when I think. And it’s not like I’m being forced to do this, since whenever I (re)begin this reflection, I feel not alone. I feel like the interviewee is by my side when I do this. It’s like in helping bring their story to light, I’m weaving my own.”